Signs of Dirty Laundry...

It has taken me a while to figure out what exactly led me on my journey.

There were several trips to the land of LA LA and blind travels to WOO WOO...

However, even slight suspicions of someone make those vacations easy to forget.

I started to question everything. All the emotions in a normal relationship was under interrogation. The "I Love, miss, want, need" You's, was code for I "am lying, don't care, am only saying this to shut you up, been seeing someone else and been talking to someone else. Then what I felt the most during my relationship your an STD...for those of you whom don't know what this means, let me school you...

This is man talk for SOMETHING TO DO.

Horrible isn't it?

Most woman hear STD and freak out. We call for an immediate meeting between our self and Mr. Pap Smear!

For the Record, men gossip just as much as women do. They love to make themselves look good... it's the nature of the beast! They love to compete and show off just like any other female out there. Men will pass STD info on to a friend and as soon as they get the chance they, examine the "DO" laugh, give a head nod and literally talk about your ass later.

An STD is not what any woman wants to be, this is just an synonym for ugly "fuckable" chick...can be seen within limited places like dark restaurants, malls, movies and at motel 6 (If your paying for it). They might have you stay at their home, but you can rest assure that you wont leave it until after the sun goes down. His friend(s) might even come over, but please don't be fooled, they know exactly what you are.

I never wanted to be an STD. I might of not of been one. But I felt like one.

There were several signs that I was getting played. Anytime I felt something was wrong and confronted him about it, he had an answer. I wanted to believe in him so badly, even when it was obvious he was lying to my face and didn't care. I was totally in love! I was caught up because I was convinced he was "IT" so I let simple signs slide...for two years.

The first SIGN something was wrong was the whole "Missing In Action" Routine. Sometimes he would answer his phone and sometimes he wouldn't. He would get "Other Calls" either he would ignore them or wait until he thought I wasn't paying attention to "Text" whomever back. I knew they were not family because he never had a problem with speaking to family when I was around, then there were times when his phone rang or beeped and he would act mysterious...turning off his phone or putting it on silent. Things that drove me nuts! I never turned off my phone or placed it on silent once. I always text in front of him. I never had anything to hide so what was his problem?

Of course I never did get an answer.

I could go on forever about signs, I could probably even paint one. I don't want to go on about what a bad person he is (because in the end it doesn't matter). I do accept some of the blame, I was a handful myself. I never cheated, but during the duration of the relationship I did make things hard because I didn't have confidence in myself. I had several heartbreaking experiences with men...including my father. The only man in my life that never let me down was my Grandfather but he passed when I was a child.

For the most part trusting a man was and still is a part of normalcy. Seriously...I know I probably need a few Dr. Phil episodes but I honestly never had any man prove to me that they deserved my trust and when I was close to letting a man in, it never took long for them to break what little faith I had in them.

Oddly enough even with those obstacles, he was there enough for me to push aside my issues to go forward. I didn't think I deserved the relationship (even if turned out to be something I never had anyway) and that only made things worse. I admit my actions might of affected aspects of the relationship, but in the end no one has the right to abuse you mentally or physically. No matter how untrusting I was, he gave me plenty of reasons to support my theory.

In May I was aware of at least 1 woman he was seeing behind my back. Our relationship soured once I found out, which he of course denied. All I had the urge to do was fight with him. (I am pregnant and hormonal who else would fight with? He was giving me plenty of ammo!) I loved him, yet he ended up to be the man I did not want, nor the father I wanted for my baby. He had his 33rd birthday and I found out he spent the weekend before and possibly after with another woman. I confronted him every chance I got and he denied it In June I received an email...from his girlfriend (who for the record, was not even the woman I was aware of).

I made a decision that in order for me to have a life without having to deal with him I would have to erase myself from it. I changed my phone number and canceled all email accounts. I started over. He does still have an address and if he really wanted to contact me (via mail) or my friends (via internet), he could do so, but in the end I think I changed those things for myself. I no longer wanted to look at the phone to see if he text or called me. I no longer wanted to get unexpected emails from his girlfriends. I no longer wanted to have access to his world or him mine. Though getting him out my heart is harder.

He said he wanted contact with his child, I made the decision that he was not. I sometimes wonder if I will change my mind later, but that would mean putting myself in a position to be vulnerable and to me that equals fear. I don't want my child to be put in the middle of an unnecessary battle. I feel that he forfeited his fatherhood once he decided that pussy was a better option. I feel in order for you to prove that your a man, you need to act like one...instead of a just a dick.

SO there you have it. I have aired out my dirty laundry in print. Some might think I have said too much, some might think I have said too little. I feel that in this situation in depth details would only cause more hurt than healing.

However, that doesn't mean you won't see my black ass bitching about it!