Strange Dreams

For the last few months I have been having strange dreams.

I rarely dreamt before I was pregnant. When I did they were a mixture of nightmares and eerie pictures of loved ones trying to communicate with me. Most were like silent picture shows.

Since I been pregnant dreams come almost as soon as my head hits the pillow.

I have talked to loved ones that have past...freely. Full conversations with strangers but seem like friends in my dreams and remembering their names when I wake. Traveled to foreign countries and understood their native tongue, as if I was born there.

My dreams have been more interesting since I been pregnant...than my life.

The other night I dreamt that I was talking to my son's father on the phone and he finally told me the truth about everything. He said that he was happy with his new girlfriend. In my dream I felt was very annoyed and upset about the phone call. All I remember saying is "OK! I don't care!" and hung up. I woke up heart pounding and upset. Why? I don't know... After being put through hell, it seems unfair that happiness and bliss exists with evil. Maybe after Hell, only Heaven exist right? Maybe I am somewhere between.

Anyway...

What's crazy about this dream, is the fact that when I woke up my sixth sense was up and running! I went directly to my computer, logged on to myspace and only to find family photos of my ex, the girlfriend that e-mailed me, her son and his daughter. (whom I never met) She (his new girlfriend) also has a tattoo of his and her name on her arm.

As you all know I suspected it was going on longer than what I knew. So now I know, it's been serious for a while. Not only that she would have to be a confident Fido to put something that tacky on her arm. For me, this is the closure I needed. All I wanted from him was to be honest. Nothing more honest than a "RUFF RUFF family picture." I don't know when I will stop being angry at the situation, but below the belt comments sure does makes up for some of it! HA!

A few weeks ago I had a better dream, it was one of the coolest dreams I have ever had. I wrote the dream down as soon as I woke up...it was just that interesting!

Note:

Leave a notebook by your bed, whether you have bad dreams or awesome dreams they can be recorded without forgetting the details.


The Princess Dream

I was a nanny escorting 5 children to a safe place to play in a large mansion. In my dream I escorted them to something that looked like a Victorian play room. The children were crowed around me, consistently chattering and jumping around like children who just won freedom in a 24 hour Chuck E Cheese. I never once understood their chatter and never tried to communicate with them, I just monitored them. The children hung close by me. They were in their own little world, but yet like watched me from the corner of their eyes. It was like they were waiting for me to falter so they can commit mass murders and arson.

Suddenly during all the commotion I took a toy from one of the children which looked like a palm pilot. The children practically tackled the shiny silver toy out of my hand. "When is it going to be my turn?" They each chimed in their annoying whine.

I looked at the palm pilot and on the screen was list of what seemed like fairy tales. I scrolled though titles of books and I selected one called "The Princess" The toy generated an enter name box and I began to type in mine. The children around me, were eager to get to play with the toy, but to hell with them, it was my turn.

Suddenly, I started towards a huge walk in closet. As I got closer, I saw inside was a sealed window. Once I finished programming my name in the palm pilot, a small light that looked like a button lit up right next to the window. Then the window unlocked I climbed through it, leaving the children and their noise behind.

On the other side I walked through a door and I was transformed into a princess. (How I got from climbing to a window to walking through a door is a mystery.) I was dressed in a typical fairytale princess gown, except it had a small train that was striped pink and green. There were people that were waiting for me on the other side...which I can only describe as servants and they smiled at my entrance. They were friendly and showed me around a castle that can only be described as magnificent. I remember long wide hallways with rooms everywhere.

My main escort looked as if he was a business man who had been waiting for royalty. He pointed out hallways that lead to more bedrooms and kitchens. He showed me three books all by the author Wallace C Waller and I shook my head in approval. All of a sudden they left me. The whole entire time I felt as if I home, but yet never been there before. It was if they all had been waiting at that window for me for a long time to claim my title as princess.

I was hungry so I decided to find a pantry room to find a snack. (I don't know why it was called a pantry room...it just was) When I saw a butler who had a huge bag of cheddar goldfishes and I politely asked. "Where did you get those?" He very eagerly showed me cabinets that are normally filled with treats. We found none and he explained. "I am sorry, I must of taken the last bag, it's usually stocked...I will make sure it is done." I didn't mind, I was too in awe of all the cabinets and doors of the pantry itself. He made a suggestion to try the kitchen down the hall and in my dream we began walking. I remember seeing his mouth moving and he was very animated with his hands and then I woke up...

I was so interested in the author's name I googled it ... no author exists by that name. I don't even know where that name came from, but in dreams you never do.

I was sad when I woke up because, I didn't want my dream to end. I was for once in a long time having fun and being treated like I was someone special.

Is this a sign?

Or am I a Physic Bitter Princess with not enough snacks around?

Ummmmmm...

Set Backs

When is it okay to stop crying?

I have just had two very spiritual weeks. OK. Maybe not spiritual. More like an emotional breakdown of the very small "woe" is me kind. You know the one that calls on God and Jesus like preacher on Sunday? I was so bad I was answering myself as I called out! "Please God, Lord, Jesus, Our Heavenly Father and Holy Ghost! YES LORD?!"

Why? I don't know.

Could it be hormones? YES!

Could it the fact that my situation is getting the best of me? YES!


When I first realized that the devil whom fathered my baby, completely destroyed my ego, my faith and my heart, was finally out of my life, I went through a similar phase.

A phase I call a "Cry Storm" I gave myself two weeks to cry and then I promised myself no more breakdowns and I did take advantage of those two weeks.

I was horrible, I cried myself to sleep, I cried myself awake, I cried in the shower, I cried in my car (Which is quite dangerous by the way, I don't recommend it.) I cried at work underneath piles of paperwork and phone calls. I was a mess for two weeks. My mother was so worried she called me throughout the day at work and when I was with her she literally held me because I had cried myself into being physically unable to move nor breathe. I could not stop the tears and they would not stop flowing. My body felt like an angry sea during a hurricane.

By the end of the second week I was good...or so I thought.

I had finally gotten past the two week mark...except for one slight problem, the "Cry Storm" has been rearing it's loud thunder over a month later. I am still counting the weeks since I last spoke to the devil. Even though I know for a fact that he could care less about me. I often wonder if he even understands the impact of the situation. I also wonder if he actually cares if I am pregnant with his child. So many things have been on my mind. What's been nagging at me lately is the question of will my child have his last name? and Child Support!

I had been preparing myself for a uphill battle once he said several things to me in an argument. "I will kill you, I hate you, I wish you were dead" and the most horrifying thing to me..."The baby probably isn't mine anyway." Which crushed me more than anything else, because I was seriously faithful and I am not the type to sleep around. Hell, for me if a man was to look my way, I would be lucky. I might be popular among e-mails, but in the physical world...I always been an overweight plane Jane.

Yet after all that, I was still holding on to hope that things would calm down. I admit, I wanted it to work. He put it in my head he wanted it to work too. That was the only reason why I was holding on to hope. I was trying to figure out if I could get over his indiscretions and if we could still make it. Hillary Clinton did it, Coretta Scott King was rumored to even deal with it. I figured maybe I could too...until that dreadful sent from GOD e-mail from his girlfriend. Which still shocks the hell out of me until this day.

I am very big on signs. I received that e-mail the very day he was on his way back into town. I know that was "The Man Upstairs" screaming at my black ass to wake up. I never knew waking up would be such a painful event.

I never thought I would be in a position of even to have to think about child support. I am not the type that succumbs to this position. This is my first child and I haven't had many boyfriends. For me this was a leap into a black pool to begin with. To know that he could even say to me, that the baby might not be his, crushed every aspect of respect I had for him. Playing me is one thing and denying your child is another. Thank goodness for DNA. In my state those little denials will not only have your ass paying child support, but also court costs and fees for wasting the state and tax payers time.

No matter how many years you are with someone or even months, some men have a tendency to not want to take responsibility. Leaving most of the weight on the mother.


I make too much money for assistance, yet not enough to support two people and his ass will be lending a helpful check every month regardless.

The big set back, I believe started during a doctor's appointment two weeks ago. My Hindu doctor who is a kind, gentle, but very to the point woman, stated to me that due to my blood pressure, (which has been getting higher throughout my pregnancy and more significantly within the last two months) wanted to monitor me more. My blood pressure can effect the baby's weight. This could mean my little one could be underweight or even overweight by the time I have the baby.

I immediately thought about my issues since I found out I was pregnant and how things have been more stressful the last two months due to whom? (THE DEVIL) "Damn him!"

The stress is evident. I have been in two car accidents in the last three weeks. I have been so distracted and I just haven't been paying attention. My mind is on my situation always. Did I forget to say I have a brand new SUV? I have hit a parked car and a gate. Two separate occasions. One reported. (I of course reported the parked car and the gate suffered no real damage, just left a slight scratch on my car.) Until recently I never got into any accidents. This is only my third and most prized vehicle. The SUV is only three months old!

It has been a nightmare living the whole 7 months and I am tired. My pregnancy honestly isn't bad at all. It would be quite pleasant if circumstances around me were better. In the beginning, there were some scary moments, but nothing I couldn't handle. What was stressful was that fact I was being consistently lied to and all I ever wanted was the truth. “The Devil” was only thinking about himself. I don't understand why anyone would risk so much to make themselves feel better...selfish acts, creates drastic decisions.

I have been alone emotionally for a long time, actually since I found out I was pregnant. My Pregnancy brought forth, my "So called" friends absence. I have been the single down ass friend since I was a kid, I am the one who would hop on a plane in a minute to hang out or hold your hand through traumatic situations. The one always available. I am the type that if you were plotting a murder, I would have two shovels and we would dig the hole together. Whatever you wanted to do, I would back you.

I believe I was what you call "A Sucka." Apparently the ones that are closest to you...aren't really. It only solidifies that in life you need to focus on yourself. I was such a "What can I do for you" person instead of "What can I do for myself." I don't even know how I picked up the habit of not caring about myself, I guess I just wanted to be loved so much, I felt the only way to achieve that, was to do more for others and neglect myself. I did the same in all of my relationships and never got anything besides some roses, dick and now a baby (which is the best gift of all, despite "The Devil's" involvement).

The other day, I had another doctor’s appointment. Time flies by quick when your in total state of confusion. I frequently forget everything. It's like my mind is not connecting with life. Everyday is a blank. If I am at work, it takes me a while to finish a client request. If I am on the phone, I am constantly asking someone to repeat what they just said! I can't retain any info for even a short period of time. I am a straight up mess! The only thing I know is that I am in world of hurt, I am mortified, embarrassed and scared to death that because I can't get my shit together, my child is suffering! Unsteady emotions are blinding my common sense. I don't know from minute to minute if I will be crying or just replaying it all.

I found out I am having a boy… which of course put more pressure on me. I don’t have any real father figures around me…what am I going to do with a little boy?! Also the doctor wants to see me once a week! (Great, I know my insurance company is having a field day!)

Sometimes, I wonder how much damage this decision will be for my baby. To only have a mother and not a father is hard. My mother is a single parent. I sometimes wonder if I should suck it up and try to make peace.

Then I realize...I don't even know what peace is.

During all my tears I pray for some type of peace in my heart and my soul. I realize that in no way shape or form can I go back to being the person I been for the last two years. "Slightly Blind, with a touch of stupidity." The child I created will need more than that from me.

I realize this is a great opportunity to start all over. I want to do that for my child and myself. I believe this is the wake up call I needed.

Signs of Dirty Laundry...

It has taken me a while to figure out what exactly led me on my journey.

There were several trips to the land of LA LA and blind travels to WOO WOO...

However, even slight suspicions of someone make those vacations easy to forget.

I started to question everything. All the emotions in a normal relationship was under interrogation. The "I Love, miss, want, need" You's, was code for I "am lying, don't care, am only saying this to shut you up, been seeing someone else and been talking to someone else. Then what I felt the most during my relationship your an STD...for those of you whom don't know what this means, let me school you...

This is man talk for SOMETHING TO DO.

Horrible isn't it?

Most woman hear STD and freak out. We call for an immediate meeting between our self and Mr. Pap Smear!

For the Record, men gossip just as much as women do. They love to make themselves look good... it's the nature of the beast! They love to compete and show off just like any other female out there. Men will pass STD info on to a friend and as soon as they get the chance they, examine the "DO" laugh, give a head nod and literally talk about your ass later.

An STD is not what any woman wants to be, this is just an synonym for ugly "fuckable" chick...can be seen within limited places like dark restaurants, malls, movies and at motel 6 (If your paying for it). They might have you stay at their home, but you can rest assure that you wont leave it until after the sun goes down. His friend(s) might even come over, but please don't be fooled, they know exactly what you are.

I never wanted to be an STD. I might of not of been one. But I felt like one.

There were several signs that I was getting played. Anytime I felt something was wrong and confronted him about it, he had an answer. I wanted to believe in him so badly, even when it was obvious he was lying to my face and didn't care. I was totally in love! I was caught up because I was convinced he was "IT" so I let simple signs slide...for two years.

The first SIGN something was wrong was the whole "Missing In Action" Routine. Sometimes he would answer his phone and sometimes he wouldn't. He would get "Other Calls" either he would ignore them or wait until he thought I wasn't paying attention to "Text" whomever back. I knew they were not family because he never had a problem with speaking to family when I was around, then there were times when his phone rang or beeped and he would act mysterious...turning off his phone or putting it on silent. Things that drove me nuts! I never turned off my phone or placed it on silent once. I always text in front of him. I never had anything to hide so what was his problem?

Of course I never did get an answer.

I could go on forever about signs, I could probably even paint one. I don't want to go on about what a bad person he is (because in the end it doesn't matter). I do accept some of the blame, I was a handful myself. I never cheated, but during the duration of the relationship I did make things hard because I didn't have confidence in myself. I had several heartbreaking experiences with men...including my father. The only man in my life that never let me down was my Grandfather but he passed when I was a child.

For the most part trusting a man was and still is a part of normalcy. Seriously...I know I probably need a few Dr. Phil episodes but I honestly never had any man prove to me that they deserved my trust and when I was close to letting a man in, it never took long for them to break what little faith I had in them.

Oddly enough even with those obstacles, he was there enough for me to push aside my issues to go forward. I didn't think I deserved the relationship (even if turned out to be something I never had anyway) and that only made things worse. I admit my actions might of affected aspects of the relationship, but in the end no one has the right to abuse you mentally or physically. No matter how untrusting I was, he gave me plenty of reasons to support my theory.

In May I was aware of at least 1 woman he was seeing behind my back. Our relationship soured once I found out, which he of course denied. All I had the urge to do was fight with him. (I am pregnant and hormonal who else would fight with? He was giving me plenty of ammo!) I loved him, yet he ended up to be the man I did not want, nor the father I wanted for my baby. He had his 33rd birthday and I found out he spent the weekend before and possibly after with another woman. I confronted him every chance I got and he denied it In June I received an email...from his girlfriend (who for the record, was not even the woman I was aware of).

I made a decision that in order for me to have a life without having to deal with him I would have to erase myself from it. I changed my phone number and canceled all email accounts. I started over. He does still have an address and if he really wanted to contact me (via mail) or my friends (via internet), he could do so, but in the end I think I changed those things for myself. I no longer wanted to look at the phone to see if he text or called me. I no longer wanted to get unexpected emails from his girlfriends. I no longer wanted to have access to his world or him mine. Though getting him out my heart is harder.

He said he wanted contact with his child, I made the decision that he was not. I sometimes wonder if I will change my mind later, but that would mean putting myself in a position to be vulnerable and to me that equals fear. I don't want my child to be put in the middle of an unnecessary battle. I feel that he forfeited his fatherhood once he decided that pussy was a better option. I feel in order for you to prove that your a man, you need to act like one...instead of a just a dick.

SO there you have it. I have aired out my dirty laundry in print. Some might think I have said too much, some might think I have said too little. I feel that in this situation in depth details would only cause more hurt than healing.

However, that doesn't mean you won't see my black ass bitching about it!

Why I Started This Blog...

People might wonder why I would start a blog so seemingly politically incorrect.

Well it's Simple. I am the title and the title is me.

This is basically my way of acting out anonymously and courageously. I felt that the only way I could get out my frustrations is via this blog. Journals are nice, but I know I am not the only woman out there regardless of creed or color who understands what it is like to be frustrated, angry and to own a voodoo doll.

My Journey towards an Angry Black Woman started when I was a child. Family issues and life lessons that began in school made me sour towards life. When I got older, things increasingly became more chaotic, yet because of so many hard knocks, I became used to them and just unwillingly accepted my life as a challenge.

There were plenty of wonderful times in my life. Don't think I have just had a horrible childhood with parents that beat me...actually the exact opposite.

My Parents spoiled me!

My father until about the age of 12 was my hero. My mother was the only Queen I would go out of my way to please. My father and Mother separated when I was a baby and divorced when I was about 4. My father bought and bribed me with just about everything a child could ask for. My mother didn't do that...lol...she wasn't crazy. But she doted on me just the same. My mother was a single mother she basically had nothing, my Grandfather and My aunts helped her raise and support my siblings and I. Which was a challenge because my brother and sister were loose cannons and I was one of those odd children that loved dark corners and closets. I only held adult conversations and if I asked a question you had to have an answer for and if I didn't get it, I would find out for myself! (By the way ain't shit changed!)

I won't go into my whole entire life story because this blog is about what my life as a 28 year old single pregnant black angry woman is now, but I thought a little background could not hurt.

It all started almost two years ago when I met someone who convinced me he was not the devil.

Even back then I was suspicious!

Ladies, if you feel in the beginning, something is not quite right...then it is. Trust me, out of so many regrets in my life, the biggest was ignoring the signs of evil. I understand you want to hold on to the hopes and dreams of getting married. Having angelic children and the whole white picket fence thing, but if you feel like something is horribly wrong, no matter how fantastically goodie the man looks, no matter if he is hung like a porn star, no matter if his smile is as big as the moon and his eyes remind you of the constellations.
RUN BITCH RUN!

I will promise my viewers of several things.

1. You will know the truth

2. I will be horribly honest

3. You will laugh! I believe in healing with humor.

4. You might cry (Hopefully because your laughing so hard.)

5. You will experience everything I am going through, even if you don't want to know.

6. I will eventually get over the pain of being alone through all this, will eventually change the title of the blog and even possibly have damn huge (like walmart) smileys all over the page.

7. I curse like a sailor when I am pissed. So if your too serious or religious, you might want to choose another blog, I never try to replace words that describes my immediate thoughts.

8. Number 6 is a LIE!

Soon, you will find out the events that has lead up to my adventure of being a Angry Black Pregnant Woman. For now I hope I have told you enough to keep you interested. If not, oh well! You don't have to read this thing!