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When is it okay to stop crying?

I have just had two very spiritual weeks. OK. Maybe not spiritual. More like an emotional breakdown of the very small "woe" is me kind. You know the one that calls on God and Jesus like preacher on Sunday? I was so bad I was answering myself as I called out! "Please God, Lord, Jesus, Our Heavenly Father and Holy Ghost! YES LORD?!"

Why? I don't know.

Could it be hormones? YES!

Could it the fact that my situation is getting the best of me? YES!


When I first realized that the devil whom fathered my baby, completely destroyed my ego, my faith and my heart, was finally out of my life, I went through a similar phase.

A phase I call a "Cry Storm" I gave myself two weeks to cry and then I promised myself no more breakdowns and I did take advantage of those two weeks.

I was horrible, I cried myself to sleep, I cried myself awake, I cried in the shower, I cried in my car (Which is quite dangerous by the way, I don't recommend it.) I cried at work underneath piles of paperwork and phone calls. I was a mess for two weeks. My mother was so worried she called me throughout the day at work and when I was with her she literally held me because I had cried myself into being physically unable to move nor breathe. I could not stop the tears and they would not stop flowing. My body felt like an angry sea during a hurricane.

By the end of the second week I was good...or so I thought.

I had finally gotten past the two week mark...except for one slight problem, the "Cry Storm" has been rearing it's loud thunder over a month later. I am still counting the weeks since I last spoke to the devil. Even though I know for a fact that he could care less about me. I often wonder if he even understands the impact of the situation. I also wonder if he actually cares if I am pregnant with his child. So many things have been on my mind. What's been nagging at me lately is the question of will my child have his last name? and Child Support!

I had been preparing myself for a uphill battle once he said several things to me in an argument. "I will kill you, I hate you, I wish you were dead" and the most horrifying thing to me..."The baby probably isn't mine anyway." Which crushed me more than anything else, because I was seriously faithful and I am not the type to sleep around. Hell, for me if a man was to look my way, I would be lucky. I might be popular among e-mails, but in the physical world...I always been an overweight plane Jane.

Yet after all that, I was still holding on to hope that things would calm down. I admit, I wanted it to work. He put it in my head he wanted it to work too. That was the only reason why I was holding on to hope. I was trying to figure out if I could get over his indiscretions and if we could still make it. Hillary Clinton did it, Coretta Scott King was rumored to even deal with it. I figured maybe I could too...until that dreadful sent from GOD e-mail from his girlfriend. Which still shocks the hell out of me until this day.

I am very big on signs. I received that e-mail the very day he was on his way back into town. I know that was "The Man Upstairs" screaming at my black ass to wake up. I never knew waking up would be such a painful event.

I never thought I would be in a position of even to have to think about child support. I am not the type that succumbs to this position. This is my first child and I haven't had many boyfriends. For me this was a leap into a black pool to begin with. To know that he could even say to me, that the baby might not be his, crushed every aspect of respect I had for him. Playing me is one thing and denying your child is another. Thank goodness for DNA. In my state those little denials will not only have your ass paying child support, but also court costs and fees for wasting the state and tax payers time.

No matter how many years you are with someone or even months, some men have a tendency to not want to take responsibility. Leaving most of the weight on the mother.


I make too much money for assistance, yet not enough to support two people and his ass will be lending a helpful check every month regardless.

The big set back, I believe started during a doctor's appointment two weeks ago. My Hindu doctor who is a kind, gentle, but very to the point woman, stated to me that due to my blood pressure, (which has been getting higher throughout my pregnancy and more significantly within the last two months) wanted to monitor me more. My blood pressure can effect the baby's weight. This could mean my little one could be underweight or even overweight by the time I have the baby.

I immediately thought about my issues since I found out I was pregnant and how things have been more stressful the last two months due to whom? (THE DEVIL) "Damn him!"

The stress is evident. I have been in two car accidents in the last three weeks. I have been so distracted and I just haven't been paying attention. My mind is on my situation always. Did I forget to say I have a brand new SUV? I have hit a parked car and a gate. Two separate occasions. One reported. (I of course reported the parked car and the gate suffered no real damage, just left a slight scratch on my car.) Until recently I never got into any accidents. This is only my third and most prized vehicle. The SUV is only three months old!

It has been a nightmare living the whole 7 months and I am tired. My pregnancy honestly isn't bad at all. It would be quite pleasant if circumstances around me were better. In the beginning, there were some scary moments, but nothing I couldn't handle. What was stressful was that fact I was being consistently lied to and all I ever wanted was the truth. “The Devil” was only thinking about himself. I don't understand why anyone would risk so much to make themselves feel better...selfish acts, creates drastic decisions.

I have been alone emotionally for a long time, actually since I found out I was pregnant. My Pregnancy brought forth, my "So called" friends absence. I have been the single down ass friend since I was a kid, I am the one who would hop on a plane in a minute to hang out or hold your hand through traumatic situations. The one always available. I am the type that if you were plotting a murder, I would have two shovels and we would dig the hole together. Whatever you wanted to do, I would back you.

I believe I was what you call "A Sucka." Apparently the ones that are closest to you...aren't really. It only solidifies that in life you need to focus on yourself. I was such a "What can I do for you" person instead of "What can I do for myself." I don't even know how I picked up the habit of not caring about myself, I guess I just wanted to be loved so much, I felt the only way to achieve that, was to do more for others and neglect myself. I did the same in all of my relationships and never got anything besides some roses, dick and now a baby (which is the best gift of all, despite "The Devil's" involvement).

The other day, I had another doctor’s appointment. Time flies by quick when your in total state of confusion. I frequently forget everything. It's like my mind is not connecting with life. Everyday is a blank. If I am at work, it takes me a while to finish a client request. If I am on the phone, I am constantly asking someone to repeat what they just said! I can't retain any info for even a short period of time. I am a straight up mess! The only thing I know is that I am in world of hurt, I am mortified, embarrassed and scared to death that because I can't get my shit together, my child is suffering! Unsteady emotions are blinding my common sense. I don't know from minute to minute if I will be crying or just replaying it all.

I found out I am having a boy… which of course put more pressure on me. I don’t have any real father figures around me…what am I going to do with a little boy?! Also the doctor wants to see me once a week! (Great, I know my insurance company is having a field day!)

Sometimes, I wonder how much damage this decision will be for my baby. To only have a mother and not a father is hard. My mother is a single parent. I sometimes wonder if I should suck it up and try to make peace.

Then I realize...I don't even know what peace is.

During all my tears I pray for some type of peace in my heart and my soul. I realize that in no way shape or form can I go back to being the person I been for the last two years. "Slightly Blind, with a touch of stupidity." The child I created will need more than that from me.

I realize this is a great opportunity to start all over. I want to do that for my child and myself. I believe this is the wake up call I needed.

Signs of Dirty Laundry...

It has taken me a while to figure out what exactly led me on my journey.

There were several trips to the land of LA LA and blind travels to WOO WOO...

However, even slight suspicions of someone make those vacations easy to forget.

I started to question everything. All the emotions in a normal relationship was under interrogation. The "I Love, miss, want, need" You's, was code for I "am lying, don't care, am only saying this to shut you up, been seeing someone else and been talking to someone else. Then what I felt the most during my relationship your an STD...for those of you whom don't know what this means, let me school you...

This is man talk for SOMETHING TO DO.

Horrible isn't it?

Most woman hear STD and freak out. We call for an immediate meeting between our self and Mr. Pap Smear!

For the Record, men gossip just as much as women do. They love to make themselves look good... it's the nature of the beast! They love to compete and show off just like any other female out there. Men will pass STD info on to a friend and as soon as they get the chance they, examine the "DO" laugh, give a head nod and literally talk about your ass later.

An STD is not what any woman wants to be, this is just an synonym for ugly "fuckable" chick...can be seen within limited places like dark restaurants, malls, movies and at motel 6 (If your paying for it). They might have you stay at their home, but you can rest assure that you wont leave it until after the sun goes down. His friend(s) might even come over, but please don't be fooled, they know exactly what you are.

I never wanted to be an STD. I might of not of been one. But I felt like one.

There were several signs that I was getting played. Anytime I felt something was wrong and confronted him about it, he had an answer. I wanted to believe in him so badly, even when it was obvious he was lying to my face and didn't care. I was totally in love! I was caught up because I was convinced he was "IT" so I let simple signs slide...for two years.

The first SIGN something was wrong was the whole "Missing In Action" Routine. Sometimes he would answer his phone and sometimes he wouldn't. He would get "Other Calls" either he would ignore them or wait until he thought I wasn't paying attention to "Text" whomever back. I knew they were not family because he never had a problem with speaking to family when I was around, then there were times when his phone rang or beeped and he would act mysterious...turning off his phone or putting it on silent. Things that drove me nuts! I never turned off my phone or placed it on silent once. I always text in front of him. I never had anything to hide so what was his problem?

Of course I never did get an answer.

I could go on forever about signs, I could probably even paint one. I don't want to go on about what a bad person he is (because in the end it doesn't matter). I do accept some of the blame, I was a handful myself. I never cheated, but during the duration of the relationship I did make things hard because I didn't have confidence in myself. I had several heartbreaking experiences with men...including my father. The only man in my life that never let me down was my Grandfather but he passed when I was a child.

For the most part trusting a man was and still is a part of normalcy. Seriously...I know I probably need a few Dr. Phil episodes but I honestly never had any man prove to me that they deserved my trust and when I was close to letting a man in, it never took long for them to break what little faith I had in them.

Oddly enough even with those obstacles, he was there enough for me to push aside my issues to go forward. I didn't think I deserved the relationship (even if turned out to be something I never had anyway) and that only made things worse. I admit my actions might of affected aspects of the relationship, but in the end no one has the right to abuse you mentally or physically. No matter how untrusting I was, he gave me plenty of reasons to support my theory.

In May I was aware of at least 1 woman he was seeing behind my back. Our relationship soured once I found out, which he of course denied. All I had the urge to do was fight with him. (I am pregnant and hormonal who else would fight with? He was giving me plenty of ammo!) I loved him, yet he ended up to be the man I did not want, nor the father I wanted for my baby. He had his 33rd birthday and I found out he spent the weekend before and possibly after with another woman. I confronted him every chance I got and he denied it In June I received an email...from his girlfriend (who for the record, was not even the woman I was aware of).

I made a decision that in order for me to have a life without having to deal with him I would have to erase myself from it. I changed my phone number and canceled all email accounts. I started over. He does still have an address and if he really wanted to contact me (via mail) or my friends (via internet), he could do so, but in the end I think I changed those things for myself. I no longer wanted to look at the phone to see if he text or called me. I no longer wanted to get unexpected emails from his girlfriends. I no longer wanted to have access to his world or him mine. Though getting him out my heart is harder.

He said he wanted contact with his child, I made the decision that he was not. I sometimes wonder if I will change my mind later, but that would mean putting myself in a position to be vulnerable and to me that equals fear. I don't want my child to be put in the middle of an unnecessary battle. I feel that he forfeited his fatherhood once he decided that pussy was a better option. I feel in order for you to prove that your a man, you need to act like one...instead of a just a dick.

SO there you have it. I have aired out my dirty laundry in print. Some might think I have said too much, some might think I have said too little. I feel that in this situation in depth details would only cause more hurt than healing.

However, that doesn't mean you won't see my black ass bitching about it!