Set Backs

When is it okay to stop crying?

I have just had two very spiritual weeks. OK. Maybe not spiritual. More like an emotional breakdown of the very small "woe" is me kind. You know the one that calls on God and Jesus like preacher on Sunday? I was so bad I was answering myself as I called out! "Please God, Lord, Jesus, Our Heavenly Father and Holy Ghost! YES LORD?!"

Why? I don't know.

Could it be hormones? YES!

Could it the fact that my situation is getting the best of me? YES!


When I first realized that the devil whom fathered my baby, completely destroyed my ego, my faith and my heart, was finally out of my life, I went through a similar phase.

A phase I call a "Cry Storm" I gave myself two weeks to cry and then I promised myself no more breakdowns and I did take advantage of those two weeks.

I was horrible, I cried myself to sleep, I cried myself awake, I cried in the shower, I cried in my car (Which is quite dangerous by the way, I don't recommend it.) I cried at work underneath piles of paperwork and phone calls. I was a mess for two weeks. My mother was so worried she called me throughout the day at work and when I was with her she literally held me because I had cried myself into being physically unable to move nor breathe. I could not stop the tears and they would not stop flowing. My body felt like an angry sea during a hurricane.

By the end of the second week I was good...or so I thought.

I had finally gotten past the two week mark...except for one slight problem, the "Cry Storm" has been rearing it's loud thunder over a month later. I am still counting the weeks since I last spoke to the devil. Even though I know for a fact that he could care less about me. I often wonder if he even understands the impact of the situation. I also wonder if he actually cares if I am pregnant with his child. So many things have been on my mind. What's been nagging at me lately is the question of will my child have his last name? and Child Support!

I had been preparing myself for a uphill battle once he said several things to me in an argument. "I will kill you, I hate you, I wish you were dead" and the most horrifying thing to me..."The baby probably isn't mine anyway." Which crushed me more than anything else, because I was seriously faithful and I am not the type to sleep around. Hell, for me if a man was to look my way, I would be lucky. I might be popular among e-mails, but in the physical world...I always been an overweight plane Jane.

Yet after all that, I was still holding on to hope that things would calm down. I admit, I wanted it to work. He put it in my head he wanted it to work too. That was the only reason why I was holding on to hope. I was trying to figure out if I could get over his indiscretions and if we could still make it. Hillary Clinton did it, Coretta Scott King was rumored to even deal with it. I figured maybe I could too...until that dreadful sent from GOD e-mail from his girlfriend. Which still shocks the hell out of me until this day.

I am very big on signs. I received that e-mail the very day he was on his way back into town. I know that was "The Man Upstairs" screaming at my black ass to wake up. I never knew waking up would be such a painful event.

I never thought I would be in a position of even to have to think about child support. I am not the type that succumbs to this position. This is my first child and I haven't had many boyfriends. For me this was a leap into a black pool to begin with. To know that he could even say to me, that the baby might not be his, crushed every aspect of respect I had for him. Playing me is one thing and denying your child is another. Thank goodness for DNA. In my state those little denials will not only have your ass paying child support, but also court costs and fees for wasting the state and tax payers time.

No matter how many years you are with someone or even months, some men have a tendency to not want to take responsibility. Leaving most of the weight on the mother.


I make too much money for assistance, yet not enough to support two people and his ass will be lending a helpful check every month regardless.

The big set back, I believe started during a doctor's appointment two weeks ago. My Hindu doctor who is a kind, gentle, but very to the point woman, stated to me that due to my blood pressure, (which has been getting higher throughout my pregnancy and more significantly within the last two months) wanted to monitor me more. My blood pressure can effect the baby's weight. This could mean my little one could be underweight or even overweight by the time I have the baby.

I immediately thought about my issues since I found out I was pregnant and how things have been more stressful the last two months due to whom? (THE DEVIL) "Damn him!"

The stress is evident. I have been in two car accidents in the last three weeks. I have been so distracted and I just haven't been paying attention. My mind is on my situation always. Did I forget to say I have a brand new SUV? I have hit a parked car and a gate. Two separate occasions. One reported. (I of course reported the parked car and the gate suffered no real damage, just left a slight scratch on my car.) Until recently I never got into any accidents. This is only my third and most prized vehicle. The SUV is only three months old!

It has been a nightmare living the whole 7 months and I am tired. My pregnancy honestly isn't bad at all. It would be quite pleasant if circumstances around me were better. In the beginning, there were some scary moments, but nothing I couldn't handle. What was stressful was that fact I was being consistently lied to and all I ever wanted was the truth. “The Devil” was only thinking about himself. I don't understand why anyone would risk so much to make themselves feel better...selfish acts, creates drastic decisions.

I have been alone emotionally for a long time, actually since I found out I was pregnant. My Pregnancy brought forth, my "So called" friends absence. I have been the single down ass friend since I was a kid, I am the one who would hop on a plane in a minute to hang out or hold your hand through traumatic situations. The one always available. I am the type that if you were plotting a murder, I would have two shovels and we would dig the hole together. Whatever you wanted to do, I would back you.

I believe I was what you call "A Sucka." Apparently the ones that are closest to you...aren't really. It only solidifies that in life you need to focus on yourself. I was such a "What can I do for you" person instead of "What can I do for myself." I don't even know how I picked up the habit of not caring about myself, I guess I just wanted to be loved so much, I felt the only way to achieve that, was to do more for others and neglect myself. I did the same in all of my relationships and never got anything besides some roses, dick and now a baby (which is the best gift of all, despite "The Devil's" involvement).

The other day, I had another doctor’s appointment. Time flies by quick when your in total state of confusion. I frequently forget everything. It's like my mind is not connecting with life. Everyday is a blank. If I am at work, it takes me a while to finish a client request. If I am on the phone, I am constantly asking someone to repeat what they just said! I can't retain any info for even a short period of time. I am a straight up mess! The only thing I know is that I am in world of hurt, I am mortified, embarrassed and scared to death that because I can't get my shit together, my child is suffering! Unsteady emotions are blinding my common sense. I don't know from minute to minute if I will be crying or just replaying it all.

I found out I am having a boy… which of course put more pressure on me. I don’t have any real father figures around me…what am I going to do with a little boy?! Also the doctor wants to see me once a week! (Great, I know my insurance company is having a field day!)

Sometimes, I wonder how much damage this decision will be for my baby. To only have a mother and not a father is hard. My mother is a single parent. I sometimes wonder if I should suck it up and try to make peace.

Then I realize...I don't even know what peace is.

During all my tears I pray for some type of peace in my heart and my soul. I realize that in no way shape or form can I go back to being the person I been for the last two years. "Slightly Blind, with a touch of stupidity." The child I created will need more than that from me.

I realize this is a great opportunity to start all over. I want to do that for my child and myself. I believe this is the wake up call I needed.